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Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
1:13 am - some piccies finally!
Free Image Hosting at ImageShack.us
here it is folk, part of the wall that I climbed... or actually, the photo is taken from utop the wall that I climbed, but my wall was pretty similar to the one you see here.... :0
how cool???

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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
1:52 pm - I have a new blog
for all those of you out there that are interested (?!) I have a new blog at:

www.angstyekstasis.blogspot.com

I can't be bothered trying to make that into a link....

sorry


see you there?

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Monday, February 14th, 2005
12:37 pm - I got a new phone
yes. I got a new phone. I know I probably didn't really need one, but part of my offer with 3 when I joined was that I could get a $300 upgrade after 12 months and before 18 months. Well, 18 months was yesterday, so last friday I went and upgraded! I was supposed to pick the option that wouldn't end up costing me any money, but, well... I'm a fashion/consumer whore it seems and I ended up with the second most expensive. Typical! I tried so hard to like the otehr ones. The one I THOUGHT I was going to get ended up not being much of an improvement on all the things that shit me about my old phone, so I had to look at others. I saw the Motorola e1000 and fell in love. I tried not too. There was another motorola that looked almost exactly the same, it was just one model down, and I tried to love it... I really did. I REALLY DID. But I couldn't. So I've ended up with the beautiful one. And I love it! Someone send me sms msgs just so I can look at it!

I'm trying to find games for it that I don't have to pay for. It's impossible! Everyone want money (lots of it) just for stupid java games... I just want tetris man! (and possibly bejeweled, and I've seen prince of persia, which would be cool, but the ones I found don't work on my phone... grrr). I even tried on Kazaar, and there was one thing I found that was a whole pack of them you downloaded together, but half of them didn't work and the other half were SHITE. (underline that last word for me in your head would you?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYHOO... It's valentines day today! Dan has got us tickets for something tonight but he won't tell me what for. I'm pretty sure it's for a play, cos when I asked what to wear he said that it didn't matter too much cos we'd be sitting in the dark. That doesn't sound like music or anything to me. So! I tried to get him this cd that he's been looking for for ages (Frank Zappa - jazz by the devil or something?) and I orded it over 2 weeks ago, and it still hasn't come in! I'm not happy about that, but I will take us to dinner tonight to make up for it, and he'll gt the cd when it comes. We've booked this Mexican place that we've been to a few times - we always go there on special occasions (cos it's kinda expensive). I just love the fact that we have a restaurant! it's so cute! We don't have a song (or, we kinda do - my funny valentine... hehehehe cheesy)... omg we're one of THOSE couples. eek.

My new phone has a kick-ass camera in it. Something like 1.2 megapixles (which, yes I know, in digital camera terms is pretty pissy, but in phone cameras it ok!) and it has a light on the back that you can turn on if you're taking photos in the dark! How cool is that?! I never really used to take photos of stuff, but not I'm click happy everywhere! BEWARE! if you ever see me down the street I may just point and click in your direction!

the resolution on the screen is really good too, so the pics actually look good (how amazing!). And when you do a video call, it's got a speaker phone so you can actually hear the other person without having to put on a hands free kit, which I could barely do before, which is why I never used that feature.

EVERYBODY GO ON 3 cos then I can call you all for free!!!!

next big purchase might be something extravagant like a corset from antons. I've wanted one for AGES and jane was talking to me about it the other day, and she's almost got me convinced. Id have to put it on layby of course, but it might be worth it. I don't know if I'm stylish enough (or something) to wear it ever. id need to grow a bigger set of balls.

umm.. what else?

I'm supposed to ring 'Alia Bar' today, to check wheather I can have my 21st there. How cool would that be? Although - I've never been there before, so maybe I should go first and see if I like it there? It's all well and good to go because it's got a cool name, but once everyones there, you've gotta actually like the place yes? Mum's all excited and wants to help me organise it all, which is good.

Also I'm supposed to call up about singing lessons today... but I keep forgetting. Ok. Try to remember Alia!!! *gruntgrumblegroancrankingnoisecrunch* hmmm don't know if that worked or not.

I can't seem to get this computer to recognise my phone at the moment, but as soon as I do, and figure out how to do it I'll upload pics of Pedro so you can see him. So very very very very cute! We're letting him outside now. Little guy. All grown up. *sniffle*

anyway. I've had enough of rambling. So I'll go. Bye.

current mood: chipper

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Friday, February 11th, 2005
2:43 pm - have to be a quick one...
cos I'm at work. yes WORK. I'm working a full-time (well, 4 days a week) PERMANENT job... in a warehouse... encrypting eftpos machines. Not very exciting I know, but I really like it here. I'm very very happy. And money is a beautiufl beautiful thing. Really. I feel like a really different person lately (except for the fact taht I'm still always sluggish and tired - but I'm putting that down to an iron deficiency, and I'm going to buy a suppliement tonight after work.) that's right... I said AFTER WORK! yay!

been here for almost a month now. It started out to be a temp job, thought it would only last one or two weeks, but they love me here! hehehehehe. They asked me to stay and I said only if i get Mondays off, which now I do, so it's working out really well.

the Workshops me and Jess are teaching started last monday (hence the mondays off) but no one booked so it didn't happen. I'm thinking that the first term is pretty much not going to happen, but hopefully it will pick up after a while. It's the first time the place has held them, so I'm not surprised that people don't knowa bout them.

Marc here reckons I should have held out for more money, but I said that mondays was a pretty good bargain. And I hate talking about money. I'm really bad at it. But I do love having it! Very fun!

ok. I should go back to looking like i'm doing something - even though im in here by myself (I have a large degree of autonomy here, which is GREAT!) people walk through every now and then. Plus I'm starting to feel guilty.

yay. Money.

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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
4:52 am
well... it's been however long since uni finished, and I gotta say - I havn't done too much with my life! If I remember correctly last time I entried I was so excited about the markets and stuff and I still am, and yet I'm still not doing anything. Why is it that I find it SO hard to make myself do anything useful??? I don't understand myself!

At least I got the kitty to keep me company! Li'l Pedro is very cute, but growing too fast for my liking... He's more than doubled in size since we got him which was like a month ago now. Little guys - they grow up so fast nowadays! He goes from being completely lovable and adorable and cuddly to a complete psycho bitting and scratching and running around being, well, psycho! It's still cute tho. You know when you just can't take your eyes off something because it's just SO DAMN CUTE? well, it's like that with me and him (well, with me - I don't think he thinks I'm so damn cute he can't take his eyes off me.... ??) He just has this great repertoir of poses when he's sleeping or whatever that I can't help but smile... awwwwwww

I've done an enourmous amount of my cross-stitch - the one thing that I have been doing these past few weeks. I can't help it. I get obsessive with things - I get a new computer game and it's all I can do, play for hours. I get sucked into day-time television and I become obsessed and whatch hours. I read a book and I read for hours and hours straight so I can finish it, because I need to know what happesn. Well, apparently it's the same for me and cross-stitch. I've been getting up (latish I'll admit) and sitting down with my stitching and then, like one day, I did SEVEN HOURS straight, without getting off the couch ONCE (except for maybe one toilet break). I'm kinda glad tho, cos it cost me so much money. I didn't realise how much it was going to all be, because i've never done one that wasn't already in a pre-packaged pack before. So I had to buy the pattern ($30), the material ($30) and the threads (aprox $70 and counting)... eeek. I had no idea when I started it was going to be this much! I got that sick feeling in my stomach when you think you've made the wrong decision. And it's HUGE. Something else I didn't realise at the time. The pattern is 80cm by 70cm!!! I know - crazyness.... but it's gonna look great eventually. But I think it's going to take me more than a fair while before it's done. I've done a nice bit of it, but only because i've been so obsessive, and I'd like to cut down a little on the sitting-on-the-couch-and-not-moving-all-day thing. 18 A4 pages worth of pattern. I've done 4 (but most of them were only half pages, cos it's the edges and half of it was blank). But I think i've talked enough about cross-stitch. I already feel like a certified nanna, with my stitching and my cat! I don't want to start droning on like one as well!

Other news - Susan (and Ben) are finally moving out! Jan 8 here I come with bells on! And Janelle moved out as well - gone traveling! Emma is the new girl whos taken her place. She's really nice and makes jewellery too! (the beaded kind, not silversmithing) and has stuff in shops. I quite like what she does. She's a friend of Gillians, and a Kiwi too (I don't know what it is with them! It seems like theres more of them than there are AUstralians' in Melbourne!) Jane's going to be moving into Susans room which is REALLY exciting. I just hope it doesn't fuck up the closer relationship we've been cultivating recently. It makes me kinda nervous cos I've really been enjoying myself hanging out with her, and i don 't want it to stop because of house politics (stupid house politics....grrr) but weve talked about it alot and cleared the air and did what grown-up adults do in adult situations etc. so yes, me is excited.

She's been writing a screen-play, which is really really cool, and has been giving me all the inside goss - I've become a bit of a sounding board for her which I'm also really enjoying, because I get to add my two cents. One of the main characters is a squishy puffy lass and Jane's thinking that she would like to give me the part if/when she eventually gets it made... which is perhaps most exciting of all! I could go into all the details of what the script is about but I don't do it as well as Jane does and i'll probably end up making it sound stupid. Just say that it's kinda horror but not, kinda thriller but not, kinda art house.... moody, strange, surprising, and individual. Good stuff! We did a reading of it the other day (with friends) just so she could hear it out loud and get feedback from some more people and stuff, and that was really fun. I was worried taht I was going to be crap, but I think I did ok. In fact the other night we all went out after the Kid's Show Gala Night, and Richard made a point of coming up to me and saying how well he thought I did! Which he NEVER does.... so I was pretty chuffed with that!

Also that night I got alot of hugs from Matt, who kept telling me how much he liked me and thought I was great and stuff (yes he was very drunk), but it was still really really really nice. I always wanted to be closer with these people who I admire so much and it's slowly happening. I showed him my nipple piercing too, and he kept grabbing my boob for the rest of the night... hehehe Made a point of saying how it did nothing for him (sexually).... :( hahahaha yeah - cos I thought I could turn him by flashing a bit of tit!!! hehehe. It was also fun that night cos I was getting alot of inside goss from him and Michael - as in, Michael was teaching Matt how to bump into other guys 'without meaning to' so you could feel them up (kinda, not really that sleazy)... hehehe very funny. it's funny cos Matt's still like this gay novice! Michael was telling him how to wear his shirt and other stuff... very very funny to watch. I with someone would have given me lessons on how to be straight once! Why is it that only the gay community take eachother under their respective wings?!? We need help too!

I have lots of other news (I just realised that I must have done SOMETHING other than just cross-stitch for all thisnews!) but I really can't be fucked writing it all now, but I will, soon....

For now I'm going to try to keep awake cos dan's finishing his night shift soon, and seeing as I stayed up all this time (not on purpose cos he was - I got a new computer game the other day, and I finished it tongiht!!! aaaaaaaaaaarhhhhhhhh) I may as well give him a welcome home greeting!

current mood: hot

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Saturday, November 6th, 2004
1:55 am
omg I'm so excited I just looked up the Rose st market on the net and I'm sooo excited. I'm going to tomorrow and check it out (cos it's on sats) and see what kind of stuff is there, and then I'm DEFNINITELY going to apply for a space... I'm going to come home from tomorrow inspired, start making and fill out an application... it looks sooo exciting.....
I'm not going to be able to go to sleep tonight... you know... like christmas eve when you know ur getting presents in the morning... SQUEE! I feel like one of those realy tiny little dogs who get so excitable their whole body starts to shake!

current mood: excited

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Friday, November 5th, 2004
11:51 pm - well well well
it's all over baby!!!

Assesment was two days ago... and I'm still alive!! Can't believe it! I made it!

20 years old and I have a degree!! (assuming I pass art history...)

I got everything done - well, almost. I wanted to make like 3 to 5 of these particular necklaces, and I only ended up doing one, but I"m the only one who knows that, so i don't think it made too much of a difference.

I'm so glad it's all done! AND I'm really proud of the stuff I did. I think i'll probably only get like a credit again, but I've finally come to the conclusion that I really don't care too much what I get as resulsts - and for the first time, I'm not just fooling myself when I say that, because I love what I've been doing so much. YOu know when you've been doing a project for ages and when it's over, you're completely sick of it and don't ever want to see, touch or be near it again? well - it's not like that for me this time. As soon as my period stops being such a bastard, I'm going out the back and making the necklaces that I didn't get done in time, and doing a whole lot of other stuff as well... yay.

I was just thinking today - I don' tthink I've ever really finished something big before. LIke, all my projects that I've ever done arty wise, have all been a little bit shit and I've always wanted to fix them after so they weren't finished, and even finishing High School wasn't really a big finish because it was just another stage before uni. I think that this is the first time I've absolutely finished anything in my life. My life is about to change dramatically - I'm no longer a student. I've been a student all my life, and now I'm going to have to face the real world. I'm looking forward to it but at the same time it scares me!

I'm going to try to get my jewellery business up and running properly now. I want to try and find on the net (or find someone who can give me a copy) of something like MYOB because I need something that will make me keep track of the money in/out situation etc. And it's good to have something that does your invoices and stuff. If I was talking to dad I could ask him, but seeing as I never really want to see him again, I think it's better if I don't go making contact/asking for favours. I'm also looking up the Rose St market, which I just found out is ridiculously close to me now - and I thought all this time that it was in Prahran (or however you spell that stupid place). I think it's on saturdays so hopefully I can go tomorrow. Maybe I'll take Jess with me.

I just realised for the first time the other week that I finally actually have some real friends. I'm so excited. It's such a nice feeling. I took Jess and CIndy out to see Cut and Paste (FUUUUCKING funny improv comedy) and they came without me having to beg them, then the next day I met Jess in the city for lunch (we shared a carbonara and a salad - very grown up).... then everyone from my class came over to my house for a bbq after assesment (once again without me having to beg, which hasn't ever happened before) and then Jess was maybe going to come around again today (which she didn't, but it was just the fact that she said she might, in a real casual kinda way). Plus Ray's been dropping round a couple of times which has been real nice. So I feel kinda loved. And it' s really making a difference in how I feel about everything... in a good way

I'm going to ring Jess tomorrow and see if she'll go to the market with me to check it out... yay. Maybe we can get ice-creams!!! I'm fucking addicted to Pistacio gelati from Trampoline... the best fucking stuff on the planet...

oh completely lost my train of thought now cos I'm so excited to be talking to stef for the first time in ages... I'll have to pick up later....

current mood: chipper

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Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
2:50 pm - A fly by entry
because I'm looking (or supposed to be looking) for silicone/rubber/plasitc/polyurethane products on the net cos I can't find anyone who sells what I want in the yellow pages. i've seriously been ringing around for like 3or more hours... no definitely more...

Getting ready for assesment you see - I'm about to graduate in like less than two weeks (no - make that two weeks exactly...) eeeepp!! Can't believe it! I'm going to be a free woman! (also unemployed, and will probably have to go on the doll..ew)

but - good luck me I say... I don't think I'm going to do great in the marks kinda way - but as long as I finish, I don't care too much.

I've decided that eventually I'm going to go over to England and study for a while over there - probably going to cost me a pretty penny, but I think it would be very very cool. Also gearing up for China next year!!! yay! Have to get a job after uni to save tho... grrr... but anyhoo...

Go me...I'm going to be a POST-GRADUATE!!!

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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
9:36 pm - you know what?
.... live journal is good for when you don't want to do homework...

I'm supposed to be making pieces for the auction to be held in a little over a week... as they're due on monday, and I have alot of stuff to do on them, butit's so cold and I hate being out the back there all by my lonesom at night - it's scary.

I fully had a paranoia attack out there one night - addmittedly it was during assesment and I had been up for I don' tknow how many hours etc, but I got really freaked all of a sudden that someone was going to attack me. I came in to dan - he was sleeping - but I couldn't even bring myself to leave the studio and go through the house without a weapon... so I took some scissors with me... but not just any scissors - they were little sewing scissors, the ones that are like 5cm tall... and I'm huddled over, creeping through the house with them poked out infront of me... I must have looked pretty funny. Then I woke dan up and asked him to come out the back, cos there's a futon out there, and I suggested that he sleep next to me to keep me safe (and keep me company) and he was just like "fuck off" and I had a little nervous giggle and tried to unconvincingly act as if it was a joke... oh dear. And I wasn't even doing drugs or anything man. I'd hate to see me get REALLY paranoid! hehehe

Uni is trundling along ok - I'm stalling on a couple of projects because I don't have the funds to back them (well, it's my excuse anyway) and my visual diary is non-existent because I can't afford a new one... but the stuff I am doing is ok. I think i say that everytime I get on - I suppose its cos uni is pretty much the only interesting thing happening in my life at the moment - which I'm ok with. It's 3rd year, I'm supposed to be hunkering down.

My fav teacher is coming back next week which is cool (simon - the 'nice chap'). I really want to talk to him about my work. I'm getting mixed reviews thus far, and I don't really know what to make of it all.

Fuck Jason at school is a fucking dickhead. I'll just say that. He shits me up the wall - Doesn't he realise that he's getting paid to be there for us?? It's not like we try to inconveniance him on purpose (well, actually I do know, but he started it)!! grrrr fuckhead

And dan's brother is a fuckhead too. He always gets dan to do stuff for him, never thanks him properly, and then when he does something for dan (which is rare) he lords it over him like there's no tomorrow. I make a point now of pointing out how good dan is, which is probably a really crappy girlfriend thing to do, but marty can go suck on it for all I care, cos he's a prick. (he's also alot like me, which is funny - I think that's why I get pissed off by him so much... we're both aries)

Interesting facts I learnt from my Libra pads:
"Starfish don't have brains"
"Cats have better memories than dogs" (hehehe yeah, dogs are stupid!)
"The largest number of children born to one woman was 69 in Russia" <- how the FUCK is that possible?
"If you sneeze to hard you can fracture a rib. If you try to supress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die" (shit)
"The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissable in an american court"
"On average, 13 people die every year from vending machines falling on them" (D'oh!)

Ok. I've done procrastinating. I think I better actually go do some work.

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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
11:19 pm - ahhh chocolate is good
We got our new housie on tues - how exciting! Her name is Gillian, and she's one rocking chick - and we're having a party this weekend to celebrate! yay for us!

I've spent a good part of this afternoon trying to make a balloon into the consistency of a boob... it's not as easy as one would think. First I tried icing sucar and made these hard little balls - stress balls. That was the idea, but it's harder and heaviery than I thought, and I can't get them very big... so that was a no go. Then, Susan's boyf thought of a good idea - silicone. (yes, everyone else is going "DUH!") I had the gap filler stuff out the back, and I pumped a ballon full, and it's GREAT! great consistency... only thing is the balloons aren't going to work - I have to get bigger ones.

WHy am I trying to make a boob out of a balloon I hear you all asking? Well - I found out about an exhibition called 'couch art' that you can apply to be a part of, and the theme is that you have to make a cusion for display - so, as the great song goes "everyone needs a bosom for a pillow"!! hehehehe I'm so smart.... hehehehe (whatever)

Now I've been making little clay impressions of the body for a necklace I'm going to make. I think they're going to be good - I hope so anyway. Have to see.

I'm nervous about the party - I always am. Mainly that no one is going to turn up... cos no one ever seems to come to my parties. Dan's friends will come and stuff. It's only been really the last party that I had that a couple of my people turned up. I feel so under-loved at these things. But I've got 5 definites (which doesn't mean much really does it) and a whole lot of unanswered msges... but I think it will be good. We're going to make sangria again, which was a big hit last time... dan got very drunk wich was so fun to whatch! And Ben brought around his projection thingy, so we can project stuff onto the walls, which is soo very cool. But I think it could be a bit naff if we do it with no one here.... it would look very try-hard funky nightclub if only 5 people were standing round and we were projecting shit on the walls...

I still need a job so bad. I was supposed to go and do resumes today, but I had the worst period cramps I've ever had in my life (bar that one time) and I couldn't get out of bed for a while... then I had another snooze earlier tonight. I feel very blah.

I've got to get my stuff ready for tomorrow, as we're having photos taken of our work for the end of year catalogue, and i want to be first in line so I can go home and poss. do resumes.

Oh - I find out about the bursary I applied for any day now... fingers crossed!

Oh!! and dan got called up for Deal or No Deal!!!! yayayayayayayayayayay!!! How cool would that be? I got all depressed again today (he had the stupid idea of takingme to a shopping centre) and he promised that if he won money we could go on a big shopping spree... how fun! And he's lucky like that too... so I bet he gets on!

One cool thing I did the other day - I tried to get in contact with an old friend from high-school - Ryan. I didn't get to talk to him, he was away, but I talked to his parents which was cool (I was afraid they wouldn't remember me, but I was sorely mistaken). I went out with this guy in grade 2. I think I used to want his dad as my dad (cos my dad sucked). But yeah, so I talked to them for a little while. It was funny - they did that whole thing like "how are you?" "what are you doing" etc etc, then "hang on wait, Jane wants to get on the phone and say hi" hehehehe it was very funny. Not surprisingly Ryan has a girlfriend apparently (hasn't he always?) but I'm dying to catch up with him for some reason!! I've had this itch for a while. I think I want to ask him if he finally admitted he was bi-sexual and wheather he's had any experiences and stuff. I'd love to see him get with a friend of mine - they'd make a great couple! hehehe, but I guess not if he's got a girlfriend...

I think I should go to bed and try to go back to sleep or I'll have a shit day tomorrow... I have a feeling I won't sleep for a while tho... poo...

I must remember to try to sell raffle tix and movie tix and get people to come to the jewellery auction - so many fundraisers!

goodnight!

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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
12:28 am - oh what a night (da da da dada)
I made some yummy chille con carne tonight. I went through a mexican cookbook that's been lying around. It's mexican everynight this week! hehehe. I love mexican food - even when it's shit its good!

I saw dan's play tonight. It was shit but I was expecting that. Dan's sound was good (of course) and all my friends did really well, but the actual play, as a whole, was really shit. There were some nice moments, nice images, and some good lines:-
"You know Viola?"
"The fat girl?"
"The really fat girl"
"yeah she's fat"
"fuck she's fat"
"yeah, her"

Ook, maybe it was funnier when you were there.

I'm applying for the bursary tomorrow. Fingers crossed. I'm pissed off cos they're asking for all this information that they should be able to access themselves, only they're too lazy to get it. Stuff like my transcripts of results, which they should have on a computer and things like that. Sooo annoying.

But I wrote a really kick-arse letter about all my woes and why I deserve the money. So that's good.

I saw Michael tonight - I printed off the email that I tried to send him a couple of times and just gave it to him, cos I thought maybe all the information would stick in his mind better if it was in writing. He said yes to doing the auction which is brilliant! (although now, after tonight, I wish I had asked Richard instead, but of course it's too late now!) It's exciting that a friend of mine is willing to do this for me... I didn't think I knew anyone who was willing to give me a favour.

Matt was avoiding me tonight, something I'm seeing as a bit of a trend. I think i have to talk to him about it, cos I don't know what's going on. Not that it's anything major, I just keep seeing that whenever I join a group of people he walks away. I know I sound paranoid, but it's really becoming a bit of a thing.

He and Richard had a pash on stage tonight. It was good! But you didn't really get to see it properly cos Matt had his head in the way... which was bad, cos they weren't just doing a stage kiss - they actualy fully pashed, and you miss it!!! So yeah, the show was crap but that was good... (god I'm a perv)

My head's been getting really big this week (ego wise) cos I put up my little mini exhibition and I've gotten really really really good feedback from people about it! And as well as that, one of my lecturers asked me to write an article for the catalogue at the end of the year (they only put in 3 essays, and one of them might be mine!)

I've practiced my clarinet the past two days (not a record by any means, but I'm happy) and I practiced the guitar today too - well, not really practiced, just went over a couple of songs really quickly. So I'm feeling creative, and happy! Which is such a nice change.

I felt good tongiht when we went out with people for once. I didn't just sit there and watch everyone else all night. I was acutally happy and talkative and funny and laughing. I had fun. I'd forgotten what nice people all those theatre people can be to hang out with. I enjoyed spending some time with Richard too. It's good - I'm starting to forget our living experience, so it's nice to see him as a normal person. (addmitedly a normal person with an extremely large ego).

I'm going to go to bed and eat pringles and worry about my interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!

current mood: artistic

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Sunday, July 25th, 2004
1:40 pm - ooooooh
I only just figured out how to change my picture! I had all these ones uploaded, but I hadn't put keywords, so they weren't comingup! Man I'm so stupid!!!

current mood: embarrassed

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1:20 pm - hrmph
the ticketmaster website still doesn't say how much the tix for muse are going to be - and they go on sale tomorrow!! I know that if I ring up they're just going to check the same webpage I did and not know, and I'll be on hold for ages and it'll all be worthless (but I think I'll try anyway). I need to know what to budget!

eh I've got to stop eating cornchips. I have this big bag and I keep gorging myself on them, and it's really not healthy, and I don't particularly like them, but they keep sitting there calling my name, and there's nothing else I can eat so I keep going. Man. I'm sad.

I got out some vids the other night cos i was in a weird depressive mood and I really wanted to go to the movies but no one would go with me, and I coulnt' get there by myself (no car - no licence... I think I'm going to have to do something about that) and I got Bowling for Columbine (cos I've never seen it) Eyes Wide Shut (cos I didn't think I had ever seen that in the entirity, which now that I've seen it again, I think i may have done at some point before) and Twelfe Night, which was only made in 1996 and had Helena Bohnam Carter in it, which was cool cos I think she's cool (kinda sexy). The first two were good to watch. I really LOVE BFC, and I can't believe I hadn't watched it before now!! I did so because our class is having a movie fundraiser night, and we're selling tix to Farenheit 9 11, so I thought I should brush up on my Michael Moore. EWS was ok. I think that I thought I hadn't seen it properly cos I never really knew what it was about. Now after whatching it again, I still don't really know!! Something metaphorical about dreams I think... TN was funny to watch, cos I couldn't enjoy it properly cos I just kept thinking about High School (cos we did that play in Theatre Studies, and I played one of the lead characters) and how much I'd like to travel back in time and do it again - better! Man my performance back then was shitty and sad and I'm sure painful for the audience (but it wasn't all my fault. I had problems with the director - Peter Noonan - and we hadn't ever gone through a proper run before the night... but I'm rambling on a whole different story now)... but yeah. I'd like to do some more performing. I'm missing it this year, cos I'm not doing anything at uni. Some of my theatre friends suggested this St Martins (or something like that) and I might check it out next year if I don't go overseas.

Going overseas - that's a story! At the beggining of the year Jess, Cindy, Amy and me were talking about how much we'd like to travel, and Cindy suggested we all go to China with her and she can take us around and we could meet her family and stuff.. so ever since then we've been thinking about it. It might actually happen I think! The only thing is that Cindy's having problems with getting her Permanent Residency so it wouldn't be good if we went then they wouldn't let Cindy back into Australia. But we'll have to see what happens. The plan is to get a shitty good paying job as soon as uni finishes, work my butt off for a few months, save like crazy then go over in like March, April, June kinda time. I hope it happens! Then on the way there (or on the way back) we're going to stop over at Bali for a while, and hopefully Amy will be around so we can stay at her parents holiday house (yes I know. rich bastards) and meet all her friends and get her to show us the sights. The only thing is it's getting hard to pin her down to a time, the only thing she's willing to commit to is over new years. I don't know how many times I tell her, she doesn't seem to get it when I say - We're not going to have enough money by then... we can't save any now during Uni, cos we've all got to pay for shit (that she doesn't have to).

Tonight is going to be nice. It was Susan's birthday on Friday, so tonight we're going to have a big sunday roast to celebrate with her! I'm looking forward to it! Even tho I'm not a big meat person.

AAARRRRHHGGGG someone stop me eating these shitty corn chips!!!!

current mood: content

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
12:17 pm - hello again
well, it was Dan and my 2nd year anniversary yesterday - I can't believe it! Both of us forgot, untill yesterday morn we were talking about some stuff, and I suddenly went "hang on! what date is it?" so we went out to dinner last night (even though neither of us could afford it....) I still don't have a job - I can't believe that i've been looking for one and a half y ears and I still havn't found one.... I'm too picky i guess...

And now we've been in our new house for a month! I still can't believe we live here! (I can't believe alot today, yes?) I love this place so much... and I love the area and I love how I feel at the moment. I'm so much happier and I'm actually doing work. Like, I took the last couple of days of uni (which was bad) but I did it cos I've had this insatiable urge to go out the back into my studio and make jewellery! It's been a fantastic feeling, and I'm so happy! I'm actually making stuff, just for the sake of making - not cos of uni or anything. And Uni stuff is going well also... I'm happy with my self-directed program that I've lined out, and I like my teacher (actually - I REALLY like my teacher, but I think he's gay, so it's a shame) (a shame? what was I going to do about it anyway?) (Actually I really like him as a person, and I hope that one day we can be friends cos I like talking to him about stuff, and my work and ideas and stuff like that. I think we're very similar in the way we view stuff....) (what am I trying to say? "Nice chap". There)

Trying to find a new housemate again here... had one girl living here - Alex - who's moved out already. She moved in with us cos she broke up with her girlfriend, but then after a week of living here, they got back together, and now they're going overseas together... awwwww... We've only put one poster up in a cafe on High st, and already gotten 3 replies. One guy - I like very much. He's a singer in a band - experimental stuff - and creative, and employed and generally seemed nice, so I hope that we pick him. Only thing is Susan's ex-fiance-boyfriend thing was there, and was making the atmosphere a little uncomfortable and asking questions and stuff, which I think was really innaproprate, cos he doesn' tlive here, and I hope that he didn't put this new guy off. I really don't like ben, he's completely socially inept - which isn't his fault, but it's annoying. Then he started saying we should get references and shit - references for a house???? I'm not employing the guy. I think this Ben guy has just been burnt a couple of times in his experiences, but still, just cos he's not a good judge of character doesn' tmean we should freak the potentials out!

But we're trying to find a guy I think, cos Dan is completely outnumbered here. He's the only guy and when alex was here, he was living with 4 girls!! I think we need a little more testosterone (cos we all know Dan's a little lacking in that area).

BUT speaking of singers (was I?) MUSE IS COMING BACK TO AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooo FUCKING EXCITED!!!! I was so shat when I missed them last time, and now they're coming back, and tix go on sale on Mon, and I don't know how much they are, but I don't care, cos I HAVE to see them........ They're going ot be here at the start of September - it's not even very long to wait! HOw cool is that? I would give my right arm to see them play live. I want to see how it's possible for such a big voice to come out of such a skinny little thing like Matt Belamy. Seriously - by the sound of the voice you'd think he was sooo cute, but when you see him, he's this little rat-looking guy (who's not ugly, but not really an empowered kinda physiche) (I so don't know how to spell that word)(fiseeeque).

Cindy and Jess are coming over this afternoon to make Dumplings - which is also SO exciting. We always go out for lunch to Chinatown, and the last time, Cindy (being Chinese) said "Hey - I should show you guys how to cook these one day" and we all went "SHIT YES" So we're having a Dumpling afternoon today.... I'm going to be so full! (hopefully they'll be yummy). I went to a pub up the road, and I havn't had it yet, but they had a dessert which was Blackberry Wontons, with ice-cream dribbled with chocolate sauce - how nice does that sound?!?!?! So I'm going to see if we can make some dessert dumplings... Again = I'M SO EXCITED!

I think I have to go - I have to email Michael about the Jewellery Auction, and I have to email this woman about getting me an appointment for the George Alexander Bursary (they just GIVE you $1000 if you're elegible - well, they give out 25 bursaries.... I so deserve it).

I think I want to start updating more regularly. It's cathartic.


Ps. I think this is the first entry in a long time when I havn't been completely depressed about my life! Go me! I'm happy!

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
11:23 am - it's so cold... so very cold
why does everyone I like hate me? (ok - so maybe a little overly dramatic..) but I make such an effort with my friends, and I don't think it should be like that, especially when it's all one way.

I'm so, so hurt about so many things. One of them being Snatches this year - I didn't hear about the auditions (although I kept my eye out for posters religeously) and now it seems that they're this week or something, and Lynne didn't even call me to find out if I wanted to be in it. (which - after my history with her, I thought she would have the courtisy to do...) Which I did want to be. In it. Especially cos she cut my part last year!!! (man I should take a hint) I know I'm not a very good actor, but shit. I like to be included.

Now I've left a few msgs with one of my friends about trying to give him work, and he hasn't rung me back. He also hasn't come to any of my recent parties, as has very few of my other theatre friends. I have this paranoia that Richard's being going round talking to them all behind my back, which is unfair, cos I didn't do that to him - and I don't even know what I could have done to him anyway (aside from the blow upa bout the dishes, but I hardly think that that's worth breaking a friendship group up over...) but I keep hearing from different people like - "oh, are you inviting Richard as well? Are you two ok after everything?" what everything???

I don't know what's going on.

Most of my friends forgot my birthday, which is slightly annoying cos I make an effort on theirs - or at least send them a msg... it's nice to get msgs to know that ppl think about you.

I ring everyone to organise them, and get them to come out with me - I never get asked.

I feel like I must smell really bad or something, cos no one ever wants to make an effort with me. I'm too easy to live without - I mustn't add anything to anyoen's life. and I love the people I know so much. It makes me feel really crap.

And there are other friends who I've used to have in my life, that I've tried to forget about, cos they've obviously forgotten about me, but I think about them everyday, thinking I might bump into them, which is obviously stupid. I pretend that I don't care that I don't see them any more, but I think i do... I thought I would get birthday msgs, but apparently i'm not even good enough for that. It makes me so angry and hurt how I've been suddenly excluded from alot of that. I don't know what I did to them... (well, I know what I did to one of them.. but the rest I just don't understand). I miss them so much.

I deserve better than this. I deserve people who love me and want to see me and want to make an effort with my friendship cos I'm a good friend, and people would be lucky to know me. (well, that's what i tell myself anyway)

All my theatre friends can go fuck themselves, and all the other people that don't love me anymore can too.

Maara still loves me, and that's wonderful. She's such an interesting person, and has grown so much since high school, but I never feel like I'm talking to the real her. She's always got this mask on so no one gets to whats really going on. Sometimes I crack thorugh it tho, and that's good. I need more friends like her - we dont' see each other all that much, but when we do, we can just pick up from where we left off... I think she's a friend for life.

current mood: sad

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Saturday, February 7th, 2004
12:06 am - blah
What an exciting Friday night - sitting here with my housemates, playing return of the king on xbox... yeah, i'm certainly a rager man! Actually, I'm having a bit of fun I must say - it's not too shabby. It's not hard to get really sucked in to the action man! We've been stuck on this bit for ages and ages and ages, which is why I'm on the net now - i had to find a walkthrough or hints or something, cos it was killing me man!! So it's just me and the boys - Dan, Brendon and Pat. Just the way I like it!! I've always had fun hanging out with a group of guys. I don't know why - I feel more at ease or something. Pat keeps trying to get me to make him dinner tho, so I'm not happy about that... well... it's not too bad.. but Im buggered.

I've had a complete drain of energy today - I couldn't do anything, and I've been achy and sore, and nothing's been happening in my brain. I feel like I"ve been staring from behind a thick plate of frosted glass or something. I don't know why I'm like this either... I did go out last night but I didn't get drunk or anything so it's not like it's a hangover, and I havn't been doing anything else either that is particularly strenuous or anything.

A lot of xboxing has been going on tho. I played a little of the game with legolas (of course!!) but I'm soooo not happy. They havn't used the real actors voices! they've gotten cheap arse imitation dubbers... and I'm not happy!! Gandalf seems to be the only one they've kept original. Legolas sounds soooo pansy!! (I mentioned this to the guys, and they said it was a faily accurate immitation of orli, and I wasn't happy at that...)

I feel guilty doing this - I was supposed to be going out for Amandas birthday tonight, but I just didn't have any oomph. And she had heaps of other friends coming with her, so it's not like I"m sending her off on her own. We havn't really done anything for her tho, which I feel badly about, but I'll get around to it. I'm goig to be making her some earings, but I've been too lazy as yet.

I'm sorry if this is all sounding a bit garbled, because I'm writing and trying to whatch at the same time, and I don't think I"m doing this too well... But I think I'll keep going anyhow... no one really has to read this.

Last night dan had a gig! I got to see him perform on stage with his bro - a little duo they made up for this micro-music night that someone had organised. Dan was playing his Commodor 64 (one of the first computer/console kinda games) and marty was on the drums, and they sounded fucking awesom. Dan even had some vocals that he was singing, but unfortunately I couldn't really make out what he was saying properly. I had to twist and twist and twist his arm to get him to tell me today what he'd been singing, cos aparently it was about me, and I think he was a litle embarrased about it. It was really mainly just impro, with him tlaking about waht he was thinking when we first got together - like he didn't knolw how I thought of him, and didn't know what was going to happen and stuff. But he sang it all for me again, and by the end he was like crying into my shoulder - and I got freaked out cos I didn't understand, and he said it was just cos if he lets out a little emotion, then it all kinda comes flooding out, and that he wasn't unhappy, it was just so strong the love he feels for me. I've gotta say I'm pretty stoked about it. It wa a bit dark, and a couple of the things he said were a little harsh against himself, but he's just so talented. He sounded so fucking good last night - I really hope that he keeps up with it... I was sooo impressed.

anyhoo - I'm a little too engrossed in this game to be typign much more - my thoughts are getting out of order and I'm pretty sure i'm sounding like a fuckwit, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.

nightynight!

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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
2:39 am - once again I can't think of a title... who needs a title anyway?
So! Once again I type. And once again it's because of sexual frustration. I only ever seem to want to confide when I'm not 100% happy, but I guess that's the way of it isn't it?

Not that anything's wrong with my sex life... not at all. I can get it with the click of a finger, and what I get is pretty good I gotta say. Not many major complaints... but it's like for some reason it isn't enough. Not that I'm going to cheat on dan eiher, cos I can't stand the way my heart felt. But I think about it aaalll the time. Like, the littlest things on tv will turn me on. And just talking with guys that I know, I'll eventually get this thing where I can't help but think about them, and then all this stuff with just flash through my brain... and I hate to say it... but I'll be undressing them with my eyes! Well not even only undressing them... I'll have them naked and on top of me.... Even guys who I don' t think i would normally be attracted to. I was even thinking about it the other day - about on of our housemates - Pat. I think he's very good looking in a young blond sort of way, but I was thinking about how strange it was that I wasn't attracted to him at all. Then the other night we all went out together, and we all got a little pissed, and he and I started playing a lame version of truth or truth, and, like I do, I was asking alot of sex questions, and because of that, now I have this little thing for him. Well, it's not even like I have a thing, it's just that the thoughts go through my head sometimes. But that's not the worst one.

I've noticed that recently (well actually I think this one dates back to high school really) if I touch or get touched by a guy, I'll pretty much immediately start feeling attracted to them. It's like somethings transmitted through skin or something. Eg: today, I was sitting around playing xbox with Brendon our other new housemate, and we were looking at stuff and whatever, and I sat next to him on the couch and he kept nudging me, and now I have this thing of him in my head. Ok - admittedly we were talking about porn a little, and the concept of someone else coming into the bedroom with me and dan (no, he was not putting himself up for a candidate (I don't think)) had come up, so again i spose my mind was going down that road a little... but still I think there's something wrong with my hormones or something.
Another example is dan's best friend Nick. He's married and has two children, is self absorbed and I would never want to go there at all normally, but lately the ideas gotten in my head a bit too much. It's not like I've got crushes on all these guys, it's more that my mind is constantly conjuring up scenarios with me and them. And it's hot, and sexy and sometimes all I want to do is kiss them, but sometimes I want to do more...

My obsession with celebrities has gotten a little stronger too. I mean, I'm a pretty big orlando fan, but when i started going out with dan I turned it down quite a few notches, cos I had someone I was incredibly happy with and I didn't feel the need to perv. But now I'm a tad obsessive again, and it's not just him but people like Gatesy and Johnny Depp and Jude Law etc. And I'm talking about them alot. And alot in front of dan, and I hope I'm not giving him a complex, but it's pretty much - as I can see it - just because I don't have a great lot of friends, and especially hardly any friends that aren't emotionally involved with dan, that I can talk to and confide in and generally talk sex. I certainly don' t have anyone to talk to about the sex that I do have with dan.... And when we go out with our theatre friends and the convo turns to that, then I find it really awkward, cos I'd love to share experiences, but the problem is that all of them know I havn't been with anybody but him, so I can't even be annonymous about it all...

I think I just maybe put my finger on my problem. It's been a problem for a while now. I've never been with a guy except Dan. I'm 19, and I think I really should be out there having lots and lots of meaningless sex with people I barely know. having experiences and whatnot. I feel like I've aleady settled down, and pretty soon should be getting the house with 1.2 children and the dog. of course that isn't going to happen, and I've made taht quite clear with dan, but the thing is... and it's been a problem for a while... is that I'm being torn in half. Half of me wants to stay with my adorable and loving dan, and the other half of me wants to sleep with him and him and him and him over there, oh and him too. I want to be able to kiss whoever I want when I'm at a party and not feel guilty. I want to be able to play spin the bottle without feeling guilty. I want to think about other guys without feeling guilty. And the problem is that I can't have both worlds.

I talked with Dan about this ages ago, and he talked about it to a friend of his (his ex I might add) and she apparently said that if I wanted to be with someone else, we should all have a threesom. Now, this isn't going to work, for a couple of reasons... Firstly, it's just something that should never be attempted in a Long Term relationship. Put aside the fact that's it's one of my wildest fantasies, and I'm not going to die fullfilled unless it one day manages to happen to me... It's just not going to work. And secondly, dan said that he would maybe like to - but that it's got to be with another girl, cos he doesn' t know if he can stand to watch another guy with me. Now I ask you - what's the point of that??!! I say I want to get fucked by someone else, and that's his soulution. No, I think then that would be fullfilling one of his fantasies not mine. I like dicks too much.

But my problem is that when I go out, I seem to have a better time without Dan. I flirt with guys, but it's just how I relate to them, and how I have fun, and if dan's not there then I don't have to feel guilty. I also don't have to worry abotu whether he's having a good time or not, and whether he feels left out of the convo. I also feel more like myself without him. (that sounds bad). It's just taht I feel like a i censor what I say infront of him so that he doesn't get offended, so I'm more relaxed if I don't have to worry about it.

---side note - went to ruby's last weekend to see PreShrunk... Fucking AWESOM!!!! Dan was there but he was with Nick so I could go off and play... FUCKING AWESOM. Best night I've had in ages.

In my perfect world I'd be able to go out and get pissed alot, kiss alot of guys, possibly have a bit of sex and very possibly a few blow-jobs in the toilets, and then come home and cuddle up to dan. I don't want to have to cheat, I just wish it was an understanding. It's something that will never be, so I'll just have to keep dreaming. But it's frustrating having all these thoughts in your head and having to deny and ignore them or face sickening guilt.

I feel a bit better now I've vented, but I still with I had someone to talk to about all this. I'm very close to Mel now, but she's almost his family (brothers fiance) and besides she'd only tell me where I was wrong or what to do. I wish I had someone who was close enough with me that I could confide in.

Maybe I should start writing porn. I remember that my diary in year nine was good for getting out alot of the sex images in my head. (man I thought it was extreme back then... wow now I know it's soooo lame) I think I'd be good at writing porn. I think it could get a bit monotonous tho. I'm only ever good at describing very short little scenarios. Oh well.

Maybe I could post some up on here? Is that even allowed? i don't know how to do the linky thingy. I've never bothered learning any html.

((I think Brendon might be bi, or have tendancies... that only fuelled my imagination further. He was going to show me his porn collection but we couldn't get it going. He made a joke about having alot of gay porn (cos I showed him my QaF screen grabs...) I'd be interested to see if theres any in there or not...))

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Friday, November 28th, 2003
3:48 am
wow

how much do I want an ipod??? Looking them up on the net... I"m salivating. Soooo fucking expensive tho. almost $700 for the middle range one (and you know me, if I can't have the best I certainly don't want the worst)... that's the 20 g one. I can't even think about the 40g one. Man I want to win the lottery so bad. NOt that I ever enter. Maybe I should.

Cleaned up my room - I am know living in a liveable environment again. It was getting pretty bad in here. Unfortunately as I was moving things about it worked up the cat piss smell, and I realised that when Dan's cat was here and it pissed in the corner, he didn't actually wash the carpet or anything.... ich. SO I've aired out the room a bit and it's a bit better. We've also gotten some carpet cleaner now so I'll do that tomorrow. I think the smell has gone away, but I need someone with a fresh nose to come in and tell me, I can't anymore.

The people in the house are moving out in a week and a bit. I think it will be good when everything gets sorted out properly and I know exactly whats happening. I'm cleaning the central room (the sun room?) tomorrow, Rich said he and Isobelle would do it, but I havn't seen any movement yet, and I just want it to get done. I've just gotten a couple of boxes and I'm just going to chuck all their crap in that and then vaccume. I'm sick of the mess everywhere!

Dan and I cleaned the bathroom the other day as well. We've now got a mop so I can wash the floors (the toilet smells of piss - the boys aren't great at hitting the bowl) and there's grott everywhere. And a big fat black spider that I havn't been able to get at with the vaccume yet - keeps running into a corner.

But I promised myself the house would be clean by the end of the weekend. I told that to Lach, and he said that he was ringing the real estate so good, he would tell them they could come inspect after Monday (gulp). I hope it does all get done. I have to find a whipper snipper from somewhere, the grass in front of the house has gone crazy and turned mutant. Something really needs to be done about our concrete back yard as well.

And then we have to put in the add!

Richmond: Good Loc, cls to pub trans and shops, live with couple, 3 rooms avail, from $75

I think it will be something like that - although I'm not sure on the rent money. I have to work that out better.

We also have the little study (although I think dan's got his heart set on using that as a little private room) and the back room, although I don't know who would want to live out there, but I guess if it's really cheap then some poor student will want to!

I suddenly have a bad feeling - I hope people will be looking for houses, because I remember hearing Matt say something about all the Uni Students leaving blah blah. Oh well, give it a go. What can happen? Loose heaps and heaps of money and end up having no house to live in. Ah, big deal!

Speaking of Matt - turns out he's gay. It explains alot - but it dashes my dreams of running away with him and having beautiful sex and pashing. Not that I really would, and not that he would (well, obviously not nowI) But yes, it explains alot. No 1 - Turned down Jane, no 2 - virgin, no 3 - the gay porn he and michael were whatching at justin's party, no 4 - jane saying he's got 'issues' about relationships, no 5 - the other night when he was saying how this guy at an audition he was doing made him nervous cos he was so cute and beautiful and he felt shy. (Ok, that was the night I figured it out). But I'm not supposed to make a big deal of it. Not that I would say anything, but then again, I kinda want him to know that I know so that he feels comfortable about it round me.

Speaking of cute (was I?) saw Tripod the other night! Lady Robots again! Pretty good, although they stuffed up quite a bit cos this was just a preview for the show they're doing in syd at the opera house. (before I knew they were doing the previews, Dan and I were planning on going on a road trip to syd... can you say sad sad looser sad fuck?) They changed it slightly, but it was really really really good and funny. I think Gatesy is really skinny now. Like almost too skinny. I whatched Tosswinkle with a friend of mine who hadn't seen it yet, and I really noticed a difference. I hope that being on TV hasn't made him get a complex! I can't decide if I like him better either way. I liked him when he had a bit more meat, but now his face looks a little more defined. Hmmm.... hope he doesn't go too far tho....

Feeling a bit better about life at the moment. THings are starting to get in order, and I'll start doing the temp agency thing soon, and I've started sorting out chrismas, and I"m coming to terms with the fact my dad is a cunt, and all that. Relatiionship with mum is great!
Had our end of year exhibition opening the other night (on dan's birthday) and it went really well. mY work got a prime position, which was brilliant, and I've already had an offer of interest in some of it apparently... I have to ring the lady back tomorrow and find out what she's looking at! That' would be really fantastic. I would love to sell one of my art pieces - I havn't yet. I'd like to know that it's possible! Mum came down and so did some of my friends, which I really got a kick out of. It's like doing a performance - if there's no one out there you know you don't really give a shit, but as soon as you have a friend in the audience, I get really nervous. I loved that mum drove all the way up. I think she was hoping to meet some of my teachers, but she got there abit late, and they'd all already left. She misses parent teacher interviews.

I stuffed up Dan's bday. I didn't have any money so I didn't get him anything, and then I failed to make it special in any way. I feel really shitty about it all, and I wished I could go back in time and fix up all the mistakes I made.... cos he would never do that to me on my birthday, cos he's such a romantic and always makes me feel special.

I'm starting to loose momentum with my flow... will have to pick up on this all later.

current mood: blah

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
10:52 pm - been a loooong time
havn't entried in a long time (in case anyone hadn't noticed...), but i'm doing so now because I'm working at uni and these stupid macs are taking ages tow ork. Anyone who said that macs are the best for graphic designers were shitting out their arse. They're clunky to use and the ones i'm dealing with are either really slow, and even the imac that i'm currently using keeps freezing up if i try to do any more than just whatch a tute movie in quick time. I can't even fast forward for fucks sake!!!

Ah well. I guess i'm also inspired to come back and write because of stef!! First proper contact in a year, got invied to Halloween party, and it was great! Ok, so I felt a bit (?!?!) out of place and a little useless, well, frankly a bit uncomfortable as well.... but I still think it was great! Just cos i got to see her again which was just really really nice. I hope we can catch up over the holidays, see a movie or something. She can come see my house (which compared to hers is just a tad of a let down when you take the location out of the equation) and i dont know, it would be nice to be able to talk properly. I didn't want to hog her time at her party of course! i enjoyed getting dressed up... knowing me - any occasion! I had to make dan's costume for him, he was to lazy (rekoned he couldn't do it.... *sigh* dog ears are not that great an accomplishment)... but I liked it. Everyone thought he was a cat like me tho, which was sad... I don't know how to do a good dog it seems.

I had a big fight (? not quite the right word to use...) just before we went in, and he almost wouldn't. i can't even really remember what it was about exactly now, something about how he doesn't ever give anything away for free to me... I always have to ask for things, its never given freely... mind you , the way it sounds here isn't the way that it is. the subject really needs carefull umming and aahing on my part before anyone can really understand. Dan and i have been having some pretty big discussions lately (still not the right word). I'm happy and everything with him of course. Don't want to go anywhere. But it's not all honeymoons and roses. I feel bad because it's always coming from me. But surely he wouldn't always be completely happy with what I do? I'm just the only one the voices things. Ah well. Men!! tee hee (I don't really mind - the sex is great!)

uch still having to do all this slooow comp stuff... man i hate leaving all this stuff to the last minute. But, insert sigh here, after tomorrow it will be officially, completel and utterly over. Uni that is. Well, except for the exhibition, which i do have to do work for, but you know - I think that will be mostly fun. (Incedentally for people who are in melb and want to come see a great display of 1st and 2nd year jewellery, Opening (which means free booze) is from 6-8 on the 25th nov (which is also dan's bday!) at 144 Gertrude st, fitzroy, gallery Intrude 2. the exhibition is called 30 heads 60 hands (hey, not my idea people!) and i think it will be fun. Plus cos it's lil dan's bday, we're all going to get pissed for free and then go out after somewhere near there. )

Erm. have run out of thngs to say for the moment. i could go on. But people never read entries that are a page and a half long do they!!!

Goodnight everyone!

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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
3:33 am
it's 3.34 am and I have to go to uni tomorrow morn, and this is the thrid night in a row that I havn't been able to get to sleep. I'm not impressed.

Rehearsals for Plan 9 have started - mid year show, not a musical, kinda wierd (are we surprised??) - I don't have a big part or anything, but i think it'll turn ok. Have to wear alot of underwear on stage. Doing a bit of music - clarinet, flute - with dan for it, so that's exciting.

The lease is coming up on our house on the 10th sep, so I have to start thinking about that soon. I'm not sure I want to live with these people any more. I like them all individually, but Richard is a shit to live with. He's the main concern.

I've decided I want to get my life in order. I've decided that I want to pursue selling my jewellery. I've decided that I'm going to take the data entry job from Mel if it's still going, but not if it's long term. I want to save up some money to move out. I've decided that I want to move out to a small place with just dan. I've decided that we'll sign a short term lease - 6 months maybe. I've decided that I want to clear all the clutter from my life and deal with my shit. I've decided that I want controll of my environment and live in a house that feelslike it's my own. I've decided that I want tog et healthy and stop getting sick all the time. I've decided I'm going to see mum more. I've decided to get in contact with Pete and make an effort to get to know him better. I've decided that I'm going to make an effort to make new and better friends. I've decided I'm not going to take any more of Dad's shit. I've decided that I want to loose a little weight but not to stress over it - I'm beautiful now and will always be. I've decided that I must accept dan the way he is now and stop trying to change him - he's come out of his shell so much for me all ready, I shouldn't push him any further. I've decided I want to be more independant from him. I've decided that I no longer want to live in filth. I've decided that I'm sick of paying other peoples bills, and washing other peoples dishes.

I've decided that I'm going to make my life the one I want to live.

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